Saturday, January 13, 2007

...on presidential hopefuls

now the bastard's team is getting a little tired and subsequently, a little when loopy,we make jokes about our stories. yesterday massachusets governer mitt romney stopped in at the gun show to glad hand the shooting sports community i guess to familiarize himself with said community because he might be running for president. this'll actually be really interesting because america has never had a mormon president before. however. we found that when you've spent all night drinking with salesmen on the company dime mitt romney sounds a little bit like bill brasky, mitt sounds surprisingly great to the bastard in all of these classic brasky-isms.

"Mitt Romney was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"Mitt Romney would eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"Mitt Romney once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"Mitt Romney hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw Mitt Romney scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"Mitt Romney sheds his skin once a year."

"I once saw Mitt Romney eat a whole live chicken."

"Mitt Romney was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Mitt Romney took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Mitt Romney takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Mitt Romney yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

"Mitt Romney once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"Mitt Romney taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"Mitt Romney did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"Mitt Romney drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Mitt Romney talk in his sleep."

"Mitt Romney once inhaled a seagull."

"Mitt Romney killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"Mitt Romney uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"Mitt Romney once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"Mitt Romney's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Mitt Romney's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"Did I ever tell you about the time Mitt Romney was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Mitt Romney chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."


mofo said...

Mitt Romney once ate Mitt Romney but then regurgitated Mitt Romney because he didn't like the taste.

Do really think a mormon, let alone one named "Mitt" could be president. Ask yourself, should he even be president?

bastard central said...

ours is not to reason why mofo, ours is to stay out of mitt's way. because mitt romney doesn't sleep, he waits

mofo said...

I heard Mitt Romney beat Zeus in an arm wrestling match

bastard central said...

i heard mitt romney forged the legendary hammer mjolnir and wielded it like the thunder god he is

Rob S. said...

Mitt Romney once chugged three entire vats of Pine-Sol just to freshen his breath.

mofo said...

Mitt Romney current diet consists of steel wool and aftershave.

Mitt Romney brought universal health care reform to Massachussets—Wait a minute, I thought he was a republican!

bastard central said...

there you go again with the labels

mofo said...

Mitt Romney flosses his teeth with the suspension cables from the Verazano-Narrows Bridge.

And yes...

Mitt Romney once skinned a man with needle-nose pliers for labeling him.

bastard central said...

good thing he put your skin back on because i once saw mitt romney raise a man from the dead.

mofo said...

Who do you think created chemotherapy and open-surgery? You thought he was going to let me ?, let me drift away?—Mitt Romney got me twice.

bastard central said...

you he also got larry fishburne twice. once in deep cover and once in apocalypse now

mofo said...

How long before Mitt Romney's people either sue us or hire us for pr?

bastard central said...

you know, i introduced the editor and the gear guy to the site at the gun show. gear guy said, you're gong to get fucking fired doing this

Rob S. said...

Mitt Romney was photographed in Jakarta wearing only a loincloth made of the fur of a Bengal tiger. A live Bengal tiger.

bastard central said...

mitt romney shoots

mitt romney scores

with a 44 magnum