Tuesday, January 30, 2007

...on the fall of the house of usher 4


so the phone rings this morning and it's my father, the shrink. now the shrink called me yesterday too. he told me that he wanted me to come over for dinner last sunday but he couldn't get it together and that's cool, the bastard hasn't been so much with the phone calls to the rents lately, life has been going on around him and it gets busy. the shrink understands this. the shrink is also getting used to the fact that the bastard is dating again (yeah, i meant to tell you that but, i didn't, so there) and that's a good thing.

but i digress, so the shrink calls me up this morning and he tells me that the house is sold. i asked, "our house? no wait, grandpa's house."

"that's what your brother said"

well, these things happen. one would think that the natural progression would be that the grand parent's house was the item to be sold but we all kind of want(well i at least kind of want) the rents to move out of their place. the old hood is constantly in flux and one would think that your parents would eventually abandon your childhood home for greener pastures. i guess we'll see about that one day. the mofo tells me that the north fork is where they might go. it's where they go for their anniversary every year. it would be nice that in the face of the family's house sinking into the mud to become the house for some other family. 12 johns will now go away soon just like the family's old headquarters in bellerose. it becomes the stuff of family stories, "remember that time at the big house (what we called the bellerose house) where the three of us argued with the three of them over something stupid that children argue about?" remember misty and bonnie (grandma and grandpa had irish setters), and how they scared the crap out of us? remember that fucking great dane they had at 12 johns and how i tried to ride him like a horse when i was nine? the boat? not the blue one but grandpa's first boat? remember the salty smell on the back lawn in the morning at low tide? yeah, i remember. hell, i couldn't forget.

—the bastard

Monday, January 29, 2007

...on hearing things

you know...

the last thing the bastard wants to hear in the bathroom is the sound of a high powered executive from sales scratching himself. really pal, could you please stop that. i know that the bathroom is actually the proper place for that sort of activity but, it's still kinda gross. now i need to wash out my ears with battery acid. i dunno, maybe the bastard just has issues. maybe the bastard just has really bad timing. maybe the bastard shouldn't spend his afternoon eating his weight in m&m's. maybe the bastard just needs to hold it in until he gets home. or wear earplugs?

—the bastard

Saturday, January 27, 2007

some random thoughts for a saturday afternoon

So things have been uneventful since my return to purgatory, which is to say that I have worked a total of five days since returning 3 weeks ago. That's the constuction business I guess, especially when your boss and his administrative assisitant can't see the forest for the trees. I'm not going to get into heavy detail cause it's extended family and I don't want to leave a trail of gasoline along I95 next week when I light the fuck out of here for good. Yes, the time has come, St. Pete has given me my walking papers out of purgatory. But enough about that until it actually happens—no jinxes here.

With all the extra time not working, I've been able to rewatch some old ER episodes that TNT was kind enough to recycle for me in time for this idle period. I've been stripping the scrap wire in my garage in order to recycle it and finance the trip back up. I've been in touch with the Chairman about employment opportunities although he has mysteriously disapeared since my call last Saturday, much like the Prince of Darkness used to. I've been trying to get more devil's work from the bastard (aka the bastard in my side) to little to no avail. Although to his credit, he seems to know how it feels to have no reliable paycheck coming for the past three weeks—nor a foreseeable paycheck in the future, while trying to move one's life 1,400 miles, while telling one's Uncle and his daughter they have no idea how to run a business and that's why they are in the mess they are in—(If Woody had gone to the police, none of this would have ever have happened, and if they had listened to me a year and a half ago, they be flying along without a care and I'd be a quarter of my way through my Texas—Arizonia -PCH road trip)—I mean I love you brother, but there's absolutely no way you could understand that. But I didn't mean to get heavy here, just letting out some steam here.

When I woke up this morning and turned on the ol' tube, VH1 was going through it's top 20- countdown, how they tabulate it, I don't know and don't care but it's a top 20. Anyway, I realized that pop music has taken yet another turn lately—I should say that I steer clear of pop music and dig through various source materials in order to find any new music that is actually worth listening to. I've noticed the amount of bleeding heart piano/guitar bands there out there these days. Weather it's Five for Fighting, or the Fray or James Blunt or whatever the name of the band whose video I saw this morning, there's been a absolute pussyfying of the pop music that is going to threaten mankind as we know it, that is unless something is done about it soon. I call it pussy-pop. It's closely related to emo which I renamed pussy-punk a couple of year back. It's a poor excuse for heartbreak/folorn/wonton music that has always been a staple since the birth of the blues. I mean if I wanted to listen to some fag tell me how to save a life I drop some 'Mats, or some GBV, Buffalo Tom or some Nick Cave—something with some balls. I mean those guys knew how to hurt, they did it like men and spat it out like bile on wax. These bands today saw the WTC fall on TV somewhere and think they know what it is get kicked in the gut by the universe. I blame Coldplay and for that matter VH1 which is why imediately changed the channel nad caught the second half of the Harrison Ford vehicle Random Hearts, which turned out to be a decent telling of a Senator—Kristin Scott Thomas (who has since disapeared) as a congresswomen and Ford as a DC Cop who both lose their spouses in a plane crash. It turns out they were having an affair. It's your run of the mill Sydney Pollack vehicle, which is to say it's an opportunity for Pollack to make a cameo as the one guy in the entire world who is ethically superior to all others and then will explain to why you are not and what you should do about it, —see The Player, which you in fact should see, or Eyes Wide Shut, which you should not. Anyway, I was struck by Ford's performance, and how it was reminiscent to every performance he has ever made, even Regarding Henry which I caught on HBO Friday afternoon. I call it Han Solo acting. Now, don't get me wrong, If I could be anyone in the universe, real or fictional, I'd be Han Solo everytime, no question and I'm not trying to take anything away from the man who owns most of Wyoming and enjoys sleeping with coat hangers, but it did strike that he has been playing Han Solo for 35 years. In fact, American Graffitti was on last Saturday and he was doing Han Solo before Han Solo even existed as the cowboy hat wearing redneck who tries to outrace Paul LeMats character, who buy the way is rocking the Schneider before Sullivan did on One Day at a Time. Although Pa Dukes was rocking it before LeMat, in fact I fantasize that LeMat's character is actually taken from the life of my father in his teenage years—pa dukes doesn't talk of the salad days.

Point is, because I fell that Han Solo is the greatest of all action heroes there aren't any actors these days worth there salt to pull that kind role off. And Hans getting a little to old to be jumping over cars, like ion the Devil's Own, (also on this week) and using his whip to corall Spielberg's wife or chill with Chewy or shoot ol' Greedo. The solution is to have Ford to open the Han Solo School of Acting. This way Hollywood wouldn't be devoid of such a personality once he passes on to hang with Obi, Anaken, Yoda and Abraham Lincoln. Think it over Han—we need ya'.

mofo

Thursday, January 25, 2007

...on relief

...and moving forward

the bastard doesn't like to talk about work in specifics very often. i learned a valuable lesson when a young editor at a new york based magazine had herself a blog and she gave out all of the deets. then she got fired. but we're all kind of relieved over here at killing stuff monthly, we've been sold. next week we find out what kind of people the buyers are. oh, and i sure as shit ain't gonna say much more about it.

—the bastard

no good deed...

so i'm walking in the building and as i approach the elevator, the door starts closing and who's there waving to me but killing stuff cleverly's web monkey.

now let's back up a little bit. two weeks ago, web monkey drank a little bit at the various gun show side events and when he came in the next morning, all hung over, he packed up his shit to leave the press suite and neglected to pack his phone charger and he neglected to pack the web site's expensive dvr camera. now being the good samaritan he is, the bastard made sure that camera was packed and shipped back to new york because, it's the right thing to do. so the following tuesday when we were all back in the office, web monkey calls up clearly concerned and hoping to god that someone (that someone being me) thought to pack his stuff and he was sort of thankful that i did.

meanwhile, back at this morning, the elevator door closes and web monkey waves buh bye all the bastard thinks is "how very rewarding it felt at that very moment to know i did the right thing". actually. no. i thought about how guilty i wouldn't have felt if i had left the camera in florida. it follows web monkey. it follows.

—the bastard

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

...on-coming traffic

umm, just because you want me to back up doesn't mean i'm going to back up. trying to clip me in the head with your rear view mirror ain't gonna make me flinch shiteyes. i've been clipped by better than the likes of you. don't you realize that you using that 3500 pound paper weight as your own little people missile is only going to end in me getting a down payment for a house outta you? back the hell off!

—the bastard

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

...on proper bathroom etiquette

there's this guy from the mailroom and he's a little slow, so i feel bad for him. like in a lenny from "of mice and men" sort of way. the last thing i want to discuss with him is how gross a bathroom stall is to him when i gathered that little kernel of knowledge from the first walking in, "ewww", "that's gross", "what the hell", and finishing with going into the other stall to do your business. lenny, you do not have to replay the entire incident to me while i'm trying to wash my hands. stupid compulsive handwashing, be less compulsive.

—the bastard

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

...on paying it forward

ummm...yeah...hi...about that door you didn't hold open for me. it kind of helps your case if you don't make eye contact before you let go. thanks. thanks so much. jerk

—the bastard

Saturday, January 13, 2007

it's like the crying game with moss

now every year, the bastard has to make a point to get a photo of the ghillie man."hey bastard, make sure we get the photographer to get a picture of the ghillie man and ted nugent and that jack ass that got shot in the face in full metal jacket as well as some oldster that everyone calls "patch".

QUICK SIDEBAR: So bastard, what the hell is a ghillie suit well, young jerkface i'll let the manufacturer explain it to you.

In a nutshell, the development history of the Custom Concealment, Inc. ghillie suit is a good example of a simple idea grown complex. Where the original Scots had one basic design, traditionally adapted to meet the immediate situation in the field, we have taken it upon ourselves to offer seven different styles of ghillie apparel. These seven styles are divided into three general categories, depending on the particular type of user applications

i know you feel very enlightened right about now


and every year we try to find new ways of photograph these staples of our little gun fest. so this year we decided to have our man photograph the ghillie man reading our little show pape (cue laugh track here). now for the sake of captioning, opur man with the lense had everyone show their name tags so that if we were going to name them in a caption, we'd have their names but we were shocked to find out that...

...our ghillie man was a ghillie woman. it's kind of like the crying game...only with moss.

—the bastard

Friday, January 12, 2007

...on daughters

...or on finger quotes

"did you see those feather girls from "xyz" gun company yesterday"

"you mean the girls in the black costumes?"queries our man in moscow

"yeah"

"you mean the black costumes that are so smelly that you can smell them from 3 booths away?"

"oh, that's messed up. you know that they are xyz's daughters. it says so on their nametags"

"yeah" (insert sarcastic cadence here), "daughters" in finger quotes"

the bastard likes it when our man from moscow drops by to check his email. it's always a pleasure seeing someone savage people with such style.

—the bastard

props to the comics curmudgeon for his margo quotes

...on throwing the goat

...or on throwing UP the goat. no.seriously, i did.

"you know, the steak last night gave me strange dreams", said left hand rob

"me too", the bastard replies

"yeah"

"totally, i had this dream that something was trying to crawl out of my stomach"

"yeah and when he woke up, he found that something did", retorts jonny airplanes

"seriously?"

"yeah, i feel like i'm dying. i wish it was a hangover, i'd know when it would end."

i think that something didn't agree with the bastard's dinner the other night. i was racked. totally racked out yesterday and it never stopped. no sleep. more throwing up. all the while trying to function. i'm very fortunate that chicago jerkface was there to pick up the torch. even the publisher heard that i had food poisoning. this morning risen from the dead, the bastard is full of caffeine and ready to go.

...on more goats

surprisingly enough the bastard is coming up thin on mullets so we're going to have to start off with our freshely slimmed down old man of the mountains. i've highlighted his very european look insomuch as he is rocking the sandals with socks AND a poker visor. what do ya want? i'll be on the floor soon and hunting for mullets

—the bastard

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

gun show 2007: remember jaws?

well here we are in beautiful sunny purgatory for another go at guns and mullets. the bastard wanted to get it started all proper like. jonny airplanes is providing automotive support for me so we might have more to work with this year. or maybe i'll have less to expense this year. either way, it should be good as we're in mullet country. it'll be interesting to see them in their natural habitat.

—the bastard

Saturday, January 06, 2007

overheard on the subway this evening

"hi i'd like a one trip metrocard"

"a what?"

"a one trip metrocard"

"i can't sell you one"

"why not?"

"we don't sell them at the booth. we sell them at the machine over there"

"but i just want one trip"

"i can't sell you a single fare unless you have a metrocard on your person and then i can fill it with one fare"

"i have 3 but, their all expired"

"you'll have to go to the vending machine sir, i'm sorry"

so this guy turns around and heads towards the vending machines to presumably purchase his single fare(single fare cards are made of cardboard rather than the plastic that regular metrocards are made of which is probably why they are only sold in the machines) but, he stops at the garbage can where everyone who has gotten off of the subway at 23rd street has dumped their garbage all day and he fishes out a plastic metrocard and goes back to the booth to get his single fare. i found it fascinating that this guy would rather fish through the garbage than use the damn vending machine. that's some kind of phobia. i wonder how he gets through the turnstiles with that kind of techno-fear. oh yeah and since we're still talking about a guy who's rummaging through the garbage in the subway...eww. how bout a chocolate covered pretzel?

—the bastard

Friday, January 05, 2007

...on last minute packing

...and how gun shows are sucking the life out of me

this'll be the bastard's fifth trip to the gun show. this will be my second one in orlando. the bastard isn't happy about it. it's not as much fun as vegas. anyway as we prepare for the final packing of the junk left hand rob sends the note around:

lhr: Here's what I'll be shipping to SHOT Show this afternoon. Is there anything else either of you want to go?

Dictionary
Style sheet
Printer paper (our man in moscow is ordering for on-site)
pens
pencils
A pencil sharpener
tape
sharpies
legal pads
staplers
paper clips
post-its
cds
Issues of last year's Daily
The last few months of Lots O' Bullets Monthly
FedEx slips


bastard: bombay sapphire gin (6 bottles)
case of tonic water
high grade heroin (no china white, that stuff's for squares)
carton of cigarettes.
ammunition for a crosman nightstalker plus crimson trace laser sight
enough rope to hang ourselves
pinewood box for art director


lhr: I can get all that stuff at Staples, right?

bastard: maybe.

but you might have to go through channels.

you might have some difficulty with the rope :/


yes, while i'm starting to ramp up my sense of humor for this trip, i seem to be ramping up the malaise (not mayonnaise, jackass) as well. i think
i'll need a bona fide vacation after this. but don't worry, i think we will be posting photos of orlando's best and brightest mullets. it's what scoop would have wanted.

—the bastard

Monday, January 01, 2007

"...and all the colored girls sing..."

OR 1,327

1,327 Miles—Door to door. That was my weekend. Took off early from the QV Mo and made my way back purgatory. I had spent the last two weeks enjoying the holidays with family and friends and friends. Hung with the Thrilla bros. at a show in Brooklyn, did some work in Dean Thrilla's basement with Jonny Airplanes. Hooked up with Matty Aces, and Jim of Spock at the Croxelys, did the college circuit with Judge Roughneck at the croxelys and the city. Did time with the ex, her new but old dude (they were friends when we were together and hooked up after sometime between the time she was in California and now in Texas) jules and sleepy pete. Ran into the dirty stay out there (she's back in NY) and ended up hitting the sick of it all/hatebreed show at Roseland with her later in the week where I ran into HR, who I hadn't seen since the days of Tower Ur (now officially closed) and his Two-Man days. Word was he dispeared the way of Mike D, stumbling in the middle of the night never to be heard from again, that is unitl he shows up at a thrilla barbeque. Earlier that day I did a late lunch with Wilt the Chef and Marmon and finally found out what a sous chef is (it was so obvious I felt as if I had drank some of that retard juice most people seem to be drinking these days.) Sprinkle in some family time with ma dukes peeps and the elder's brood and the bastard on JC's birthday eve and the Chairman's Board on the big day and there you have it.

I walked the line of hangover and feeding the beast the entire time, hence the moratorium on writing and the lack of pics.

Anyway, on the way back of a trip that took entirely too long—I spent an extra hour and a half on 95 in Virginia sitting in traffic that had no cause. I went through B'More and DC without a hiccoup even though there was a Giant game at the Redskins joint, and a Former Presidents funeral going down. Maybe they were all going to see Jefferson Davis' carcass in Richmond, I don't know but I do know two thing about Virginia drivers, they either drive like maniacal shitnecks weaving in and out while alternately tailgaiting for the joy of it, or they are tapping their brake pedals to see if they still work. At any rate, if I offended any Virginia drivers with my statements, good, I compleetely meant it.—i was driving through North Carolina when it happened. I normally listen mostly to mix tapes in the car during the drive but every once in a while I listen to local radio for a change of pace and to hear a another voice other than mine yelling at virginia drivers. This usually comes about in either Maryland, that has two kick ass stations—one a blues station I don't remember the number and Ocean 98, which you can't get on 95 and NC which has a multitude of fine rock stations, after all, NC is the home of the punk/garage rock festival "sleezefest." And it never fails I always here Lou Reed's "walk on the wild side". Yeah, I know, radio is known for playing the same stuff over and over, but i can tell you, within the limited number of total minutes I listen to the radio in what is now the third round trip to NYC via "Honey" *(that's my car's name), I can tell you that the only song I have heard every time I've made this journey is "walk on the wild side". I guess it's just one of those things.

Last night I watched the "dexter" the bastard (aka old man bastard) hooked me up with through 12 oclock. I have a moratorium on New Year's Eve's going on right now. I slept through last year. Got to say, it's working for me.

do— do do, do—do do do, do—do do, do. do do do, dooooooo
Happy New Year people, try not to hurt yourselves this year.

mofo

ps for the bastard

While Weeds may have jumped the shark in the finale Dexter jumped it in its first episode. I'm a fan though.