...where's jonny airplanes today?

so the bastard gets this text essage from jonny airplanes on wednesday telling me he was going to be in new york for the weekend. you see airplanes is currently defending our freedom in the is coastguard down in the great state of virginia. anyway, it was funny to me that he was coming in because, i was heading to arizona. i replied that i would be back on monday. he replied that he would be back in va that day.

tonight, i received a text from him stating that he was in cleveland and in that i thought of a re-occuring sketch on late night with david letterman in which dave would call up retied boxer smokin' joe frazier and ask him how much gas he had in his car. so i figure, we just check in to see where jonny airplanes is this evening. so...

today jonny aiplanes is in cleveland, ohio.

did you know: Cleveland is named for Moses Cleaveland, a surveyor who settled the town in 1796. City growth was slow until the Ohio and Erie Canal was built in 1832. During this time, the first "a" was dropped from the cities name by a local newspaper. Cleveland is on Lake Erie, and is always a harbinger of the winter season. Clevelanders can expect early snowfall as icy temps, with its accompanying precipitation that is snow, blows in off the lake, making for icy roads and generally rotten driving conditions. and there you have it.

—the bastard

ummmm...

...mexico is THIS way.

so while driving to the mission at tomacacori, the boy fell asleep so, since we were in the neighborhood, we kept driving to mexico. i gotta say though, maybe it was the temperature, or maybe it's all of the totally legal public urination (or maybe they clean the streets with urine scented cleaning products) but, i think nogales, mexico needs a shower.

now here's the thing about nogales, mexico. it's one of those places that americans go to to purchases prescription medication for a discount rate, as well as discount pottery and hand made furniture. the funny thing is 30 miles or so north is an "artist community" that sells really expensive handmade pottery and furniture except it's pottery and furniture that is "inspired" by mexican handmade pottery and furniture. nice scam if you can pull it off.

—the bastard

...on the jet set 2

you know, sometimes the bastard lucks out. and i don't mean in the flight getting here on time sense. i mean in the sense that i get wifi in the tucson airport. it's free bitches. now that bastard is taking a little breather from the rousing uno competition i was having with the boy to do some screed. the visit was good. i talked some smack with the chairman. i discovered that civilization finally came to the jet blue terminal in the airport. yeah, it sucks ass that you can't bring food into the terminal because of certain segments of the arab population but, at least you can buy it when you get to the other side. so the boy and i grabbed some grief and if he was old enough to drink (back up shiteyes, you want time to slow down in the case of child rearing), we'd be drinking. but instead, we're playing uno, and eating store bought watermelon. it don't get better than this.

—the bastard

PS:plane just pulled in. it doesn't sucksomuch anymore. totally sweet.

i don't know if the bastard has told you this but...

...he isn't so much with the delays. i'm tryign to get in the zone for the flight home. maybe get some sleep while i fly (never happens). maybe get an earlier start on getting home (hasn't happened). and i'm beginning to think that a smooth ride, me, and jet blue just aren't meant to happen. oh well, at least the boy found out that they're blowing shit up outside. that'll kill some time

-the bastard

...on the jet set

thanks to the goodness of space age technology, the bastard can come to you live from the frikkin airport. behind me is the bar that for 4 years was the staging area for scoop and i for our flights to the shot show. the last time i was here, i forgot my reservation number for my rental car and the chairman's minions were trying to get in touch with me for some of the devil's work and i couldn't get in touch. but while i was cooling my jets in the world of luddites, all i could see was "wireless hotspot" for "free" thanks to jet brew. so i was thinking, i have got to get me one of those notebook computers. i mean, i do the devil's work from home and soemtimes after hours in the office but it leaves my totally working in two spaces which creates continuity issues for me and so, i cracked the effing cobewebs off of my wallet and bought myself a notebook (ya fucking cheapo). i gotta say, it doesn't suck.

—the bastard

OK QUICK UPDATE: ...on liveblogging the airport. i totally forgot. i really can't stand yuppified corporate guys who ae doing actual work here. they all sound like snake oils salesmen.

the bastard doesn't understand...

...why the hell do people use the subway as their bathroom?

now the bastard has gone on ad nauseum about my great love for people's public personal habits but, i never get tired of bitching about it. also, i never get tired of taking pictures of this. anyway, i'm napping the nap of the morning commuter and all i can hear is "clip clip clip" and this lovely human being is clip clip clipping away. wrecked my sleep. oh well, go to hell.

—the bastard

...on mulletude

this actually happened at lunch yesterday. the bastard didn't get outside for lunch today as it's totally sucking outside. well that's not 100 percent true. the bastard did step outside the say hello to the ladyfriend. her printer isn't working right and she needed me to print something up for her so i headed downstairs for a brief chat this morning. it makes the morning so much nicer. anyway, yesterday, chicago jerkface, jiffy pop, and myself went across town for some popeyes fried chicken (kfc my ASS) and en route back, we saw this majestic plumage exiting from what appeared to be the heavens.

OK QUICK SIDEBAR: scoop, my former right hand and best lucky enabler loves mullets. loves em more than life itself. so when i sees em, the bastard stalks them because out in l.a. the plumage is apparently a little bit more polished, thus rendering it lackluster. in her opinion, there is nothing better than a femmullet and a foreigner t-shirt. so, i do this.

however, someone had caught me mid hunt and thusly gave me the stink eye. undaunted, i kept at it. enjoy. COME ON! ENJOY!

—the bastard

...on the old school

...or on that fat sound

the email went around last month asking if anyone wanted to go see mastadon. i had never heard nor heard of mastadon up until january. chicago jerkface described them as old school epic heavy metal. so the bastard went in. so did the k. unfortunately, the k couldn't come out last night. you see, he's a werewolf. to more more precise he has what is known as porphria. which is a disorder that accounts for a great deal of the lore associated with lycanthropy. in essence, it mucks with his stomach and he's kind of paralyzed for a day or two. it really sucks for him. i i feel bad for him. however, ready to take that golden ticket, was my good friend stevus christus.

the bastard has to say that hipsters make better behaved metalheads than i remember metalheads being from when i was youngerl. jerkface came out of the pit at the end of the show saying,

"i think i got caught in the pit"

"you think?"

"yeah, it wasn't so bad"

so i have to give kudos to those lithe looking fashion forward thick framed glasses wearing jerkpieces for making the show a genuine pleasure. last nights winner for best tee shirt was the little samoan guy wearing the misfits legacy of brutaility t-shirt and the loser of the selfsame contest was the girl wearing the dream theatre cut off. and the biggest loser of the evening had to be the dumpy bleach blond who had the words bombshell tattoed across her chest. well she was a bomb something else perhaps but, definately NOT a bombshell.

—the bastard

...on the big sleep

now the bastard isn't one for ratting out our hard working folks in the transit workers union but, what the hell?

the thing is this. the bastard doesn't have a job that has guaranteed job security. mandatory raises. leverage to paralyze the city when it doesn't get it's way (you'll get yours one day toussaint). nah. i don't. people that work in print work in an ageist business in which you have to maintain the appearance of keeping up with the times magazinewise. if my chops get old, i can only get by so far on charm and good looks. that's right shiteyes, i'd be out on my ass. this guy, he gets double overtime. good thing i didn't need directions.

—the bastard

personal foul...holding

OH!

GOD!

DUDE!

sincerely. could you do us all a favor and not hold your junk on the subway. the bastard doesn't really need to know that you are keeping a perpetual ball count. thank you.

—the bastard

...on the cinema

listen to the chair leg of truth. it does not lie. what does it say? the bastard went to the cinema last night to test screen a bob dylan biopic and the chair leg of truth tells me that

no one likes richard gere

long story short, six different actors play different aspects of bob dylan's various career personas and richard gere played the billy the kid persona. it was well filmed but, it played really clunky and none of the test screeners surveyed really liked richard gere. so there you go.

—the bastard

...on fly whips

so the bastard has been taking to watching sucker free countdown on mtv2. coming out of the stop n shop yesterday, the chairman was explaining the state of the hip hop nation. this all stemmed from the fact that the number one song this week (which is i'm throwed by paul wall) is god awful. maybe it's just my taste in hip hop. then again i haven't bought anything with a beat since pre millenium tension by tricky. anyway, the chairman says that nothing really good comes out until late spring or november. either said label is trying to catch the christmas market or they are trying to put out this summer's hot jam. oh well. i guess that's mass marketing for you.

so i was noticing that there was this mini van parked under the bastard's window. and the mini van was rockin' it's own gangsta logo. apparently even soccer mom's have crews. apparently even soccer mom's are HAHD. one could even argue that maybe somewhere in the greater forest hills area, there is a soccer mom who's out there rockin' her own fly ass grill. ridin' around, king of the town, i always got my windows rolled down. oh wait, gotta get the kids to soccer practice and then to the pta meeting...i'm throwed

—the bastard

...on pilot error

you know, there are times when the bastard gets wrapped up in his own day to day. it's taking me forever to get the bike on the road. hell, it's taking me forever to get it insured. to get a motorcycle license. and now the fuel lines have dry rot and i'm seriously considerring getting something newer and more reliable because hey, you only live once. anyway, this morning the comments window of my last post was graced by a drunken jonny airplanes and it reminded me...

...jonny airplanes always wanted to try turducken. now wait, let's back up a second. "hey bastard. what's a turducken?"

well young shiteyes, according to wikipedia, a turducken can be defined as de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken. The name is a portmanteau of those ingredients, turkey, duck, and chicken. The cavity of the chicken and the rest of the gaps are filled with, at the very least, a highly seasoned breadcrumb mixture or sausage meat, although some versions have a different stuffing for each bird. Some recipes call for the turkey to be stuffed with a chicken which is then stuffed with a duckling. It is also called a chuckey.

i've had it, it's a pretty good marriage of flavors. worth your while at least once on this little merry go round but, i digress, jonny airplanes wanted to try turducken. so did his coworkers. so they went in and bought one with all of the cooking fixings (except for some kind of baster they improvised from some shop equipment, don't try this at home shiteyes).

anyway, there is is. better late then never. jon is currently been called to active duty in the coast guard and he was apparently very drunk and his comments bordered on the incoherent. however it did remind me that i wanted to post about this. now cram it in your craw, jerks.

—the bastard

...on the premise

so the bastard likes to temper his high brow cinematic tastes with some candy. so once in a while, i've tuned into grey's anatomy. yeah, i know. i can't spend all of my time watching heroes, lost and 24. but speaking of implausible premises, grey's runs with the premise of, here we have a bunch of really hot looking doctors that all work at this hospital in seattle that all have "issues" and you guessed it, they are all sleeping together. what are the chances? a co worker of mine one time commented that if a resident doctor slept with his/her intern it would be grounds for all kinds of legal action. anyway, last night one of the doctors who is leaving the show for the innevitable spin off so half of the show is a crossover preview of the new show which has the following premise,

after sleeping with all of the hot looking guys at the hospital in seattle, doctor addison (don't even know if i'm spelling this right) takes a leave of absence presumably to go back to her home town of los angeles (which we will hereby refer to as hell.a.) to have a baby. so she goes to this medical center run by one of her old friends where everone is A: hot looking and B:have issues and C: have already slept with each others characters or gotten divorced. i mean what are the chances of that. now, i'm not saying that 24 is a more plausable show. it isn't. how could it be. new york magazine has it's own weekly absurd-o-meter that runs on tuesdays. but the bastard just found that every five minutes i was rolling my eyes at this ridiculous show. i'll tell you this though, i'll probably watch the damn show next week and it's spin off until i am no longer astounded by it. good times. no. GREAT TIMES.

—the bastard

P.S. the bastard was watching the salton sea yesterday afternoon while waiting for the cable guy to show up and fix the cable and i have to say, SEE IT you frikkin jerks. it's got drug addiction (a personal favorite for the bastard and revenge (another perosonal favorite for the bastard) involved. so see it now shiteyes