Monday, November 02, 2009

...on homecomings

chairman: hey

bastard: hey boss, can you do me a favor?

sure. what's up

bastard: hang on a sec

chairman: okay?

bastard: ok, i thought i was gonna need to you to come down to the bus stop and bring a bat but they turned left

chairman: what?

bastard: well these kids were yelling at me from their car and i yelled "your mom's back to them. then they made a u turn but, it looks like they decided to head to 7-11 instead. i thought, i'd have to get stabby and you'd have to bail me out of jail tonight.

chairman: you know bastard, you really don't have to yell "your moms" at every car that drives past you

bastard: but they yelled at me first

chairman: so?

bastard: and they called me a faggot.

chairman: well maybe you should stop blowing dudes in the bus stop then

bastard: sure, but there's alot of rough trade here in the bus stop, i couldn't help myself.

while saying this, the 3 old ladies and the two teenage grand daughters in the bus stop next to me look on horrified at the bastard's talk of bus stop sex and stabbing teenagers. they shuffle over 3 feet.

i haven't been back to the old hoof since august really and i'm on the ground in the FoHi less than 90 minutes and shit ensues.

quick sidebar: when you (and the bastard means YOU) yell out a moving car at the bastard, you will here one of five responses. these responses are generated at random so, not even i will know which one will come out at any given time but they are as follows in no particular order:
  • go to hell
  • you suck at life
  • your moms
  • go fuck yourself
  • go die jerkface
consider yourself warned

anyway, the bastard begins to get the feeling that the kids can smell that i'm not from around anymore

even though i haven't changed the way i dress or walk or act since leaving the thorough borough for the island of misfit fashionistas and off world jackasses. it's hard fucking work keeping it real on this rock.

it's also been forever since i've been on a train as well. and it was kind of refreshing in a way. i miss this kind of travel. you don't get alot of color in a 10 minute on foot commute to the office.

allthough there is this crazy lady i've noticed who stops anyone with a stroller to beg for money on 3rd avenue and she needs to stop it.

i need to get out more.

get the street beneath my feet.

—the bastard


the jodi said...

Bus stop sex is without a doubt the best sex, eclipsed only by bus station sex ala Port Authority public restrooms. FoHi. You crack me up. That means I live in JaHi

bastard central said...

well i wasn't really having bus stop sex. i was just being accused of it.

it's these kinds of ridiculous abbreviations people have come up with for manhattan niche neighborhoods that spawned the term fohi. i think it was after someone named that neighborhood north of little italy nolita. i jumoed through a plate glass window and came up with it

Rob S. said...

There's an ep of How I Met Your Mother called Dowisetrepla -- the "up-and-coming" neighborhood two of the characters buy a place in. They find out later it's shortened from Downwind of the Sewage Treatmant Plant.

But I hear ya, man. I miss even my short walks in the city -- I'm generally only in for D&D and Voice work* now.

(heh... that makes me sound like I'm recording audiobooks or something.)