ten years after the bastard's fall...

...or i've fallen for ten years and i can't get up.


well jerks, left hand rob has gone and done that shit to me again. the bastard has been tagged in a meme of some other person's design and i have been tagged. now this is the point where the bastard can already see the trustie formulating a comment in the comments window that reads, "oh bastard, why you gotta be all bourgeious and all?" either that or he will just type "meh". it's also the sort of thing the mofo would ask for a dislike button to hit repeatedly.

anyways, the meme is as follows:

It's the "of the decade" meme! Basically come up with 3 categories and who you think wins that category! Be creative!

Like what I mean isn't just "best comic book of the decade"... like "best moustache of an comic creator of the decade" or whatever.. it can be serious (best Asian male film character of the decade) or not or whatever.. it doesn't have to be about comics, or games or whatever.. it can be about nething (worst hair of a world leader, weirdest food trend... etc etc)

and tag 3-5 other ppl! And then they come up with 3 categories.. etc :] The main part is to be creative!

starting off in rob's fashion, i must start with full disclosure: it has come to my attention that left hand rob has voted the bastard to be the most dangerous blogger on the eastern seaboard. i mean COME ON, look at how i've completely blown up the eastrn seaboard of this great nation and i have loosed many minor explosions in central and southern europe. if that doesn't convince you, i've been in a death race with rob down i-95, in the chairman's subconcious, i took out sara silverman AND fiddy cent. and i dumped a screaming death machine all over the bqe.

worst of all, i'm a journalist so you gotta trust me on this.

ok here we go.


menace of the decade: well the survey results aren't entirely in but i'll let you the viewer decide. it's a neck and neck between


bears


and robots.

now bears are tough and all i can see how you'd think they have the upper hand but robots are strong, and once they get their metal claws on you, there's no breaking free. your call kids but i don't see a smith and wesson 500 taking that shit out and a bear'll go down like old soviet union after a shot or two.

dying trend of the decade: everyone talks about the death of print but the bastard has t say, i think it's the web that's dying i mean, they don't even pay me to do this and killing stuff monthly STILL has plenty of trees to destroy so i just see all this death of print stuff as a minor setback.

best new invention of the decade has got to be: the baby jacket


i mean come on! the bastard has it in two colors and who the fuck NEEDS a carriage. just tuck junior in your jacket and go about your business.

you wanna go to the bar but you have to watch the kid? baby jacket.

you're freezing your ass off and you need a little extra heat: baby jacket.

a little snack for the road? baby jacket

and didn't i say it comes in two colors? BABY JACKET

this decade's newest best superfood? you guessed it,


pigs in a blanket. the bastard doesn't need to add to this. obviously.

and to top it off on a mor factual note. the top bastard-centric moments of this decade have been, he has had it all fall apart and managed to keep it together. i mean who wants to kill themselves after having a bunch of bad shit happen to you. i managed to lose a job and find another that's turned into a decent career and managed to have my son move 2500 miles away and still say, "i love you daddy" when we speak on the phone. i had a second child, and that's pretty goddam miraculous if you're close to the situation. i didn't die on the highway. who wants to die when i can see how this shit ends.

i'm feeling lucky. so the bastard is tagging the maw, the constellation, jodi, and skelle top to keep the magic going. don't disappoint. you know, because i disappoint easily.

no

really, i do.

—the bastard

me here now

left hand rob tagged me with this quarter's meme of the, well, quarter. the bastard is bending the rules because it is his want to do so and the little camera booth app on hid mac was set to this setting. i will reveal though, that my glasses are being held together with binder clips. anyway, here are the rules of this mess:

1: take a picture of yourself right NOW!

2: don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair (like i have a choice), just take a picture.

3: post the picture with no editing (whoops)

4: post these instructions with your picture.

5: tag 10 people to do this

the bastard doesn't have 10 people with blogs to to this so, some of these people who read the bastardworks can submit to my email address if they want it up in this piece. until then, I tag the mofo, the chairman's friend in denver and jimmy 3000 to do it up. anyone else, just mail it. your names will be made up as I male up everyone else's names here. do it NOW!!

-the bastard

...on secretes

the secret is some touchy feely new age self help book that oprah winfrey is a big fan of. the bastard on the other hand, is not a fan of the secret or of oprah which should not come as any frikkin surprise to you.

anyway, the bastard is also an elitist snob as well as, well, you know, a bastard and so when i was in target with my ladyfriend last night (yeah i shop in target), when i saw a woman clutching a copy of this selfsame book. she looked incredibly intense and the whole feel of the situation had an air of quiet desperation so i asked my ladyfriend,

"am i a bad person if i thumb my nose at someone clutching tenaciously to a copy of the secret?"

"come on", she replies, "some people are interested in improving themselves. allthough she did look a little intense"

so point taken, i reflected otherwise on this poor woman's predicament. and then i thought, "what would the peanut gallery think?" and like any other rotten human being, i decided to repeat my question via text message to some friends and coworkers of mine. the answers went something like this:

"no, you're a bad person because you kick puppies"

"no but what's the secret. self help?"

"depends. what the hell is the secret?"

"not at all"

"no worries, pertwee will get her"

"sorry. who is this?"

"yes u are"

"no you r a hero sir"

"gay"

"eat it"

"oh, hey bastard. and no you r not for laughing at sad women"

so there you have it. societal cross section in nutshell. i tried to text message in order of varying people different friends from differnt walks of life for different answers but some of them more interesting to me.

—the bastard