the bastard ain't a man to put the cart before the horse…

… but I think the media is having us on








last night. the bastard sat in his living room with three fingers of rye on ice waiting for the world to end.

the news: there's a hurricane on yo!

the bastard: oh SNAP. rilly?!?

the news: yeah shiteyes. there's gonna be rain and shit and the east river is gonna run roughshod on your ass. and there's gonna be 100 mile an hour winds

the bastard: oh wow guy. I best shit my pants now

so there you have it. when I went to bed, there were saying 75 mph winds.

when the bastard woke up, the national weather service said 45 mph winds but the news is showing footage of the same block in Howard beach that flood when there's is any strong rain and saying 80 mph winds.

I'm seeing a discrepancy here.

stupid sensationalism. stop scaring the shit outta people.

—the bastard

…on the other shoe

stomach viruses are a real bitch.

the baby had one all week.

now the wife has it.

so the bastard is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

any minute now, the sword of damacles will drop on me.

and with it bring the kind of business that will make a man believe in a god.

and pray to it for death.

so I did what comes natural to any jackass who's waiting to get sick.

I hopped two trains and a bus to get my car looked at because it's over 1500 miles due for maintenance.

can you folk in the back of the room see the idiot up front?

bleeargh

—the bastard

just in case you were wondering…

…free whiskey is the best whiskey.

the bastard has to give big ups to the flying bar.

due to our daughter's stomach bidness, we had to change our flight plans to later in the day.

which led to a great deal of uncertainty.

as to where we were seated.

how much grief we'd have with the babby.

that kind of crap.

but we lucked out.

front row.

and flight delays.

flight delays? lucking out?

yep. lucking out shiteyes.

inconvenience for the masses led to free whiskey for the bastard.

and free whiskey is a vacation win in my book.

cheers, jerk

—the bastard

…on vacations

you ever get the feeling that you should have stayed in bed?

your home state?

yeah. me too.

you see, the baby has a stomach virus.

and we made the decision that riding said virus out would be better in a two bedroom house in a sprawling development in west palm beach would be a better plan than flushing three airplane tickets down the toilet and enjoy said virus in our not so sprawling 350 square foot studio apartment.

not the best set of options but, I stick by my decision.

it's sunny and the baby is sleeping and for five minutes, a bastard can get some peace and quiet.

—the bastard

loaded…

…is the word the computer says as the bastard gets into the cab



loaded is how he feels on two hours of sleep.

loaded is what he may or may not be when he arrives

loaded kind of makes the bastard more like cargo than man

—the bastard

it's gross out

let the bastard start off by saying that he's a man that truly enjoys his alone time.

be it on the road,

in and empty apartment with a sleeping baby,

or on the damn subway listening to jethro tull

but I think today being extra gross out just puts a finer point on how weary shitty weather can make a man.




two open houses today spent out in the dank.

neither cold nor warm but gross out.

well I did get a good burger today but,

it's just so nasty out. and I m thinking that our ship to queens isnt gonna come in thus year which sits on my lower back right now like a cinder block right about now.

can't wait to get home and hear the meh news.

—the bastard

it's effing saturday…

…so the bastard is on walkabout.

so my ladyfriend is back from the hinterland and here I am riding the rails with the outer state teenage ugg army.

you think these girls could at least get different colors to keep me entertained.

oh well… the idle rich folk's kids.

yawnz.

ok where was I?

right. getting the car via our lovely mass transit system.

and

my head feels like it's been kicked in

but,

at least a man has his freedom

and his honeydew list. ahhhh domestic bliss.

—the bastard

…push/pull

the bastard is gonna make it plain to you.

life is a series of negotiations.

and compromises.

and choices.

and I've had more than my share of all three.

but I'm riding shotgun right now with my son on the f train right now

but I'm also riding shotgun with the long with negotiations between my wife and my son.

and neither of them understand how to deal with each other.

and I'd like to think that they will work shit out with one another.

hell, I'm sure they will one of these days.

but,

today ain't that day.

probably won't be tomorrow either.

but it'll be one day and I can deal with that for now.

—the bastard

...end of the road

2200 miles.

at least 6 tanks of gas.

over a hundred felled deer across the highway.

2 huge meals of bbq.

1 boy happy to see his dad.

yea, there was a whole lot more and i wrote about it. what do you want, a goddam recap show? either way it was a good roll across half of this nation and i'll doing that again in a month and a half.

yay.

—the bastard

Saturday morning majesty

is it tragedy?

or is it majesty?

—the bastard

the bastard's seen fire...

...and he's seen rain.

ran into a massive downpour on interstate 76.

got 365 on the first tank.

and we did see fire. folks were burning stumps on the side of a mountain before the downpour started.

it's creepy being a James Taylor song.

—the bastard

...on treading

has the bastard ever told you the one about the guy who was sleeping in his bed during a torrential rainstorm?

well anyway there's this guy.

and he wakes up at about...say...6:30 in the morning to sound of heavy rain. so he rolls over

about 10 minutes later, it's raining like the hammers of hell and the guy rolls over again and remarks to himself, "damn, it sure is raining"

then it occurs to him that it's in fact raining in his living room. GET IT? it was raining in his living room. jeeze, you have no sense of humor.

so, the bastard has been bailing out his living room and the word comes out over the crystal set to stay home, or at least delay my commute a little while. now the bastard isn't one for listening to city officials but, i want some unwind time. at least for a couple minutes. this is gonna be a long day.

—the bastard