...on the bus

..fashion tips moves above ground

you know,

you'll find all sorts of characters on the bus.

and monday evening was no slouch.

we saw this guy who looked like pete wentz if he was a modern primative. asllthough one wonders how one can be a modern primative but use modern technology. it's kind of like a bullshit amish movement. i don't know someone explain it to me. anyway, he sort of looked like a slightly gayer pete wentz (from fallout boy, keep up, will ya) and he drew my attention because he was singing out loud.

and thus drew everyone else's attention. this remind the bastard of this guy the chairman saw who was riding no hands down metropolitan avenue shouting, "THIS IS MY LIFE", while he was doing his trash on sunday. i kind of hope that it's the same guy. because it's how i pictured him.

—the bastard

this is what's wrong with everything in this world

"okay, i'm going to get stuff by the dryer," exclaims my ladyfriend

"ok"

"watch the chicken for me"

"ok"

tongue planted firmly in my cheek, the bastard picks up this weeks issue of time out new york because hell, this week is about how your family fucks you up and i stand in the kitchen waiting for her to get back upstairs.

it's called the setup. please try to keep up.

but as i was flipping through it i saw this:

i saw this guy once on the new york one. he runs a studio that does nude yoga. now that's not really the shocking/wrong part. the shocking wrong part is he's wearing a onesie. a fucking ONESIE!!!!!

for those of you that don't have kids, a onesie is a one piece shirt underwear set that babies wear and it has little buttons so when your baby craps his/her drawers, you can change their diaper and have them reclothed instantly.

it's not for making yoga more disturbing.

i mean look at him, he looks like he took a dump in his yoga onesie.

it's disturbing.

OW! OW! OWWWWWW! my eyes, MY EYES!

then my girlfriend came back upstairs and we made dinner and watched television. and even though the nightmare of the adult male onesie will never go away, it was still a good night.

—the bastard

...on dress codes

the bastard has been living in the FoHi since about 1996. i used to work at a grocery store in the middle of it from 1992 through about 1994. safe to say, i've put in some time here. now since there was a large influx of russians into the community due to a little thing we like to call glasnost.

and when the russians came over, they started buying what was hip at the time regardless of age. this culminated for the bastard during the summer of 1998, when while purchasing ice cream at a carvel the bastard witnessed two late 40 somethings russian gentlemen sporting threads from roca wear. this made me question the notion of whether newly emigrated peoples are really aware of what is age appropriate clothing. or perhaps the notion might have been moreseo about how if something is really really expensive, then it must be the thing to wear.


the bastard hadn't thought about that night until last night when i was taking the train home from work late. you see, when you head home during regular rush hour, you head home with the rank and file new yorkers who are coming home from their regular jobs. well, an hour or so later seems to be the time that all of the really choice folks get the ride home.


as illustrated here. this guy is balding, mind you and not to take away from the fact that the bastard is in fact bald himself, i would never wear anything to attempt to draw attention to it. but this guy was decked out in SO much young hiphop wear, i just had to diagram it out for you. and to think, there were 4 young guys dressed just like this that were high school age and looking for trouble. so much so, that it prompted the bastard to decide to wait for the next train to avoid said trouble. sometimes i'm convinced there is a god and that he has my sense of humor. thanks god, you're a real pal.

—the bastard

it's like the crying game with moss

now every year, the bastard has to make a point to get a photo of the ghillie man."hey bastard, make sure we get the photographer to get a picture of the ghillie man and ted nugent and that jack ass that got shot in the face in full metal jacket as well as some oldster that everyone calls "patch".

QUICK SIDEBAR: So bastard, what the hell is a ghillie suit well, young jerkface i'll let the manufacturer explain it to you.

In a nutshell, the development history of the Custom Concealment, Inc. ghillie suit is a good example of a simple idea grown complex. Where the original Scots had one basic design, traditionally adapted to meet the immediate situation in the field, we have taken it upon ourselves to offer seven different styles of ghillie apparel. These seven styles are divided into three general categories, depending on the particular type of user applications

i know you feel very enlightened right about now

and every year we try to find new ways of photograph these staples of our little gun fest. so this year we decided to have our man photograph the ghillie man reading our little show pape (cue laugh track here). now for the sake of captioning, opur man with the lense had everyone show their name tags so that if we were going to name them in a caption, we'd have their names but we were shocked to find out that...

...our ghillie man was a ghillie woman. it's kind of like the crying game...only with moss.

—the bastard