...on crosses to bear

easter sunday.

the bastard gets up at the crack of dawn to go to church with the boy.

father and son stuff.

let me save you the trouble of asking.

lightning didn't strike.

the ground didn't open up.

the hosts of hell didn't come up to claim what is rightfully their property like i've always suspected they would. however, one minister looked like mike ditka and the other looked like the lead singer of the bosstones.

don't be disappointed, it'll happen for me one day.

dad'll be so proud.

at least when i get there, i'll be warm.

so i get out of the rental and i look up the parking lot to the big rusted cross where the worship is taking place.

i approach the fist of kung fu to get my mass program but, then i look up and see this on top of the church and i see this:


the bastard had to wonder. so i ask the fist, "ummmm hey fist?"

"how's it going?"

"pretty good but, i was wondering"

"how was your flight?"

"good, is that a cell tower on the cross?"

then the fist of kung fu makes himself a big ole smile and shakes his head. "yeah, it is."

then he spins a brief tale about it.

you see, the fist is pretty active in his church. so he's friend's with pastor ditka and one day while walking the grounds he explains to the fist that they had the roof repaired or something done to the sunday school or something and he pointed out the new cross on the roof and the fist asked the same question. pastor ditka gave him the same answer.

"wow, it sure did look like one", i repled. "i just had to ask. it kind of gives a new meaning to the phrase can you hear me now?"

now let me say off the bat here that , i would never begrudge a church the means to keep itself afloat. not every church is a catholic church. so, that means that they may not have the vast landholdings and financial resources of the catholic church that come with that. a church can have a cell tower but maybe not a coca cola sign on the church front door perhaps. i don't know. maybe it doesn't matter. maybe it's the worship that matters. on the same token, having a cell tower attached to the cross on top of your church is pretty funny to me.

the bastard is SO going to hell.

—the bastard

there's a little bit of god in every bag

"are these your sun chips, bastard?"

"nah, they really aren't my bag"

"but is it your bag?"

"nah"

"you know bastard, i think sun chips is trying to wage war on christmas"

"you think?"

"well it's christmas. couldn't they call these sun of god chips"

"good point. you know rob, for an agnostic, i'm glad you're out there putting the christ back into christmas."

—the bastard

what would jesus do?

well the bastard can at least tell you what jesus wouldn't do. read my scripture, jerks. READ MY FUCKING SCRIPTURE!

i'm making the transfer at lexington and standing in the same spot i stand at every day (unless i am expecting to buy breakfast. those days, i'm closer to a spot where i get dumped off on 32nd street) and what should my wandering eye see but two "men of the cloth" standing on the same spot. one of them is sweating excessively. the kind of sweat that comes with years of benefiting from the largess of lots of eating over his lifetime. the other who reeked of cigarette smoke, looking kind of like mister eko from lost looked at me. no. scowled at me. there was also a woman on our little piece of platform as well.

now here is where our little discussion turns to a what would jesus do discussion. now that bastard asks you, when the train pulls in,
what would jesus do?

would he give the white boy a dirty look?

would he block the white boy's path with his arm to reveal to white boy his jewel encrusted hand and while doing so, become so preoccupied with making sure that his divine ass can get on the train before the white boy that he totally cock blocks the woman from getting on the train before he does?

would he press himself so close to the door he just passed , that he would prevent the white boy and the woman from getting on the train properly and then subsequently give the gas face to the white boy when he presses in right behind him (yeah, i figured out somewhere along the way that this shit was about the bastard, so i wasn't going to make it easy for him)?

no i would have to argue that he wouldn't. not on the son of man's worst day.


so why, the bastard asks, does the "man of the cloth" in question feel that this is acceptable behavior? i didn't provoke him. he saw me. he made a judgement call. he consciously decided to single me out, the knowing look on his fat friend's face speaks to his decision to act upon me, albeit passive aggresively. i'll tell you why. because he has hate in his heart. i don't know if it's for the bastard's skin color or for his shades, his ipod, his ben sherman bag, his baldness, his swagger. it could be a combination of things. but it begs the question, is it morally right, religiously speaking of course, for a representative of god to act like a racist thug when he's out and about in his white collar? can a man of the cloth live the life of christ while being a racist piece of shit?

now the bastard has done more than his fair share of fun of religion but, i had to lay in. turn the other cheek jackass. turn the other cheek. and while your at it, take off your fucking rings jerk, it sends the wrong message to your flock. it tells me that i'm using your tithing to buy a big ass amethyst pinky ring and you should all feel like suckers for tithing to the likes of me. I'M SKIMMING!!! that's what i'm doing and i hate white folks too. there's a reason why monks take a vow of poverty and chastity. because christ opted to be poor and chaste. so there you have it. you see, the bastard isn't a minster so i don't have to turn the other cheek. fuck you.

—the bastard

...on transubstantiation

"you know, that was good but i'm not eating there again for a long time."

"that's why i didn't want to get the pie. she was pissed"

"well she screwed up the order"

"very passive aggressive"

"what the hell is a resurrection biscuit?"

"dude you have got to take a picture of that"

"i hear ya"

"is that what they call it?"

"no they call it a wafer. they probably have a point that refers back to it. you know, they were probably thinking, resurrection nuggets, like nuggets of info but, it might have sounded dumb to them so they opted for biscuits because it sounded less dopey. you have to think like a protestant with these things. how do i make the message go with the title so it sticks"

"the mcrib of christ"

"there you go"

"why can't the body of christ come in more flavorful treats? like the cheesesteak of christ"

"it would make the word of the lord go down a little easier"

"i would prefer to have that with the cheesefries of judas. i'm so going to hell for that one"

—the bastard

two out of three falls

the bastard walks the walk my son. every goddam morning he does. that is unless it's over 95 degrees with 85 percent humidity in which case the bastard buses the bus. anyway, once in a while someone will shove a leaflet in his face and i will politely but gruffly tell them no thanks. i don't need a new cell phone from "celluar-mania", i don't need a brazilian wax and i am not interested in following the teachings of krishna or any deity with more than two arms. hell, the bastard is barely on terms with the two armed variety (but we're in talks at the moment, it's been a good year thus far). anyway, i get this leaflet shoved in my face as i pass the lirr station and i refuse but these folks are offering free coffee. as i approach the subway there is another "free coffee" station so, i take the leaflet offered to me andhere it is.

ONE WEEKEND ONLY.
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
TWO OUT OF THREE FALLS!
THE SON OF MAN GOES TOE TO TOE WITH THE EASTER BUNNY!

actually, i love stuff like this. you have to hand it to the christians. what better way to address the question of "how does one make the faith more relavent times where one's attention span grows shorter and shorter. whay not give out free coffee? why not give out free chewing gum? whay not give out free snacky cakes? why not drive a big ole semi down the highway lit up like christmas down the highway that says "jesus" down the sides? might as well get some impact on passers by before they get back into the next episode of survivor. maybe you need a reality show in which a bunch of christians are on a deserted island and whomever loses that week gets thrown into a pit of fire. who knows? by the way pope, you can have that last one. it's my gift to you after years of not showing up for church on sunday. i give you the first christian reality show. but, then again i don't really watch the fuel channel and those bastards are kind of clever.

...on more religious whatnot

about a month ago, i was stepping out after dinner on valentines day with the ladyfriend and she needs to get cash. this was somewhere near the flatiron building. i was coming from dinner and the ladyfriend needed to go to the atm and as we were leaving, i held the door for this punk rock couple. upon doing so, the bastard realizes that this couple was jay bakker and his wife amanda. now here's the part where you go, "hey shiteyes, who the hell is that?" well young jerkfaces it's like this. jay bakker is a preacher. his father is jim bakker and his mother is tammy faye bakker. ring any bells? no? ummmmm televangelists? ptl scandal? ahhhhhhh read a book ya frikking jerks. anyway jay, dropped out of high school after the ptl scandal and then did alot of drugs and then got straightened out and started his own church. he had a documentary on sundance and the bastard watched it. it was very good stuff. it's out on dvd about now. netflix the shit. it's good watching. anyway, i asked him if he was the jay in question and he said yes and then we had a little talk. he politely listened to my rants about organized religion (another post for another time) and he invited me down to his church in billieburg which oddly enough is on the other side of metropolitan avenue from me (way down metropolitan from me). i thanked him for the chat and was on my way. the bastard has always found religious figures to be interesting. mostly from a pop culture perspective. these people fascinate me. these are generally people who carry weight with a segment of the population and i find it interesting how they are in the public forum. jay was a very earnest approachable guy. who knows, the bastard might wanna get some church in him one of these days and he does his shit in a bar in williamsburg on sundays. who knows, getting a pint of brew might be a bad way to hear someone's take on the good book. maybe i might just get drunk and learn something.

—the bastard

full of grace

so i come home and turn on the tube. normally i don't do that but the bastard figures, "what the hell?" and a bridge too far is on which is the story of a failed allied attempt to take several bridges from the germans during world war II. i came in during the scene in which robert redford is leading his troops across the river and guys are getting blown up left and right by german artillery. he looks around him paddling with his rifle in the water and he chants as he rows,

"hail mary full of grace"

"hail mary full of grace"

i forgot how intense a scene that was and i forgot how intense a movie can be when you forgot that the good guys lose.

—the bastard

the 18 wheels of jesus

when i first got cable, spike channel was known as the nashville network. on it was a show about a guys who solved crimes from his semi. it was called the 18 wheels of justice. now one would ask, hey bastard, why the hel are you watching a tv show about truckers. well i'll tell you jerkface, because the co star, the 18 wheels of justice's mentor was played by none other than G. Gordon Liddy! now you have to watch it, it's like a car accident that you can't take your eyes off of. anyway. we saw a truck tonight that was lit up like a truck from the shibuya district in tokyo. on his grill was a big light up cross. the nice lady called it the 18 wheels of jesus.


artists recreation of the 18 wheels of jesus

just to backtrack. while i like the look of north carolina, i hate the way they block off i95 every 20 miles to either put down or remove cones. sure, construction in nyc breeds a special kind of asshole who tries to ride to the end to gain 10 feet but to ride 4 miles of blocked off cones to find 3 guys shovelling crap at the end is crazy. construction in nyc is ongoing but it's sites are contained to the area being worked on, not the 5 miles previous to it to warn you. the funny thing is that you figure that once you leave new york, the courtesy of the driving populace gets better. well it doesn't, it degrades over time in this situation. the first delay was all efficient like. everyone, got out of the left lane 2 miles before the closure. by the time we arrived at delay number 3, people were tooth and nailing it to get in front of each other. ahhhhh, sights for the homesick

-the bastard

crispy the redeemer

as some of you might have read in earlier posts. one day on the way back from lunch, jesus told me that i needed fresh breath. well this afternoon, the co-worker who we will now call "scoop" has also received a calling from above...to snack. yes, the manhattan christian assmembly is passing out flyers with a rice crispy treat attached. perhaps the maker is encouraging scoop to have a snack or perhaps is saying, "here you go, live a little". either way those manhattan christian assembly folks know how to pass out a flyer. allthough i did notice that it was a rainbow treat. maybe, god is ready for gay marriage. who knows?

—the bastard

the holy chewkarist

i have to give this one to my coworker rob for coming up with this term. but, we were coming back to the office and these kids were giving away free chewing gum with a flyer. upon reading the flyer, we realized we had been had by the manhattan christian church, or perhaps jesus was telling us that we had bad breath. but the rob is agnostic so a yet to be proven divine power might be telling us our breath stank. then he noticed that he had doublemint gum. could it be that both god AND the devil were trying to tell him he had bad breath. i had winter fresh so i KNOW only god was telling me i had bad breath. if i got big red...well...then...you get the picture. anyway, on the elevator ride up (to the office, not heaven mind you) i remarked how i could now potentially meet my savior with fresh breath and being a catholic (most agnostics i know used to be catholic, i guess its all the boys or maybe the crazy hats) my coworker refers to the gum as the chewkarist. i just had to give him props for it.

—the bastard