this may be the worst thing the bastard saw on saturday night

the bastard went to a wedding reception of some good friends who are truly happy together and i wish them all the luck in the world.

i say NONE of this in airquotes as a truly mean it.

it was a nice afternoon affair on the planet of brooklyn and good times were had by all. 

and that's where i should have left it. because i also wanted to see my friends band later that evening. and this is what opened.

sun ra is rolling in his grave. so will less claypool when i leave him face down in a ditch.

—the bastard

…aftermath

…and the bastard isn't speaking of the rolling stones album.





at the end of Borden avenue.

three blocks west of my apartment is the sole evidence of any of the mayors warnings about last night's storm.

I could jab and jest about mayor mike's crap command of the Spanish language and talk about how this was most hyped storm of century but I won't.

jersey took the hit for us kids.

as they so often do.

and yes, the promise of a hurricane always fills this empty month of news cycles which has pretty much been preoccupied with president barry's vacation.

shit like this is a godsend for a politician on the ropes.

but I digress.

here I am

drinking a beer on my balcony,

which has been swept clean by a big assed rain storm,

blown dry by 25 mph winds.

and I'm still grateful that this is all here as I sit in my beach chair watching the east river go by.

—the bastard

the bastard ain't a man to put the cart before the horse…

… but I think the media is having us on








last night. the bastard sat in his living room with three fingers of rye on ice waiting for the world to end.

the news: there's a hurricane on yo!

the bastard: oh SNAP. rilly?!?

the news: yeah shiteyes. there's gonna be rain and shit and the east river is gonna run roughshod on your ass. and there's gonna be 100 mile an hour winds

the bastard: oh wow guy. I best shit my pants now

so there you have it. when I went to bed, there were saying 75 mph winds.

when the bastard woke up, the national weather service said 45 mph winds but the news is showing footage of the same block in Howard beach that flood when there's is any strong rain and saying 80 mph winds.

I'm seeing a discrepancy here.

stupid sensationalism. stop scaring the shit outta people.

—the bastard

the bastard doesn't really mean to sound optimistic…

…but there's just something about sitting out on the balcony with 4 fingers of whiskey with a gentle breeze that makes him think,

"shit doesn't suck so much"

now all I need is respectable recipe for bul gogi tacos and shit would pretty much be complete for me for now.

what'd ya want some piss and vinegar?

ok.

I got lost coming and going from a birthday party in Yonkers.

Yonkers is good and all, but I can no longer trust my gps to do the right thing by me.

I mean seriously why does it make me go past a right turn on 31st so I van make a left on 32nd so Ivan make a left onto 31st?

what the hell is that shit?

oh

wait

bul gogi.

—the bastard

…on vacations

you ever get the feeling that you should have stayed in bed?

your home state?

yeah. me too.

you see, the baby has a stomach virus.

and we made the decision that riding said virus out would be better in a two bedroom house in a sprawling development in west palm beach would be a better plan than flushing three airplane tickets down the toilet and enjoy said virus in our not so sprawling 350 square foot studio apartment.

not the best set of options but, I stick by my decision.

it's sunny and the baby is sleeping and for five minutes, a bastard can get some peace and quiet.

—the bastard

closing in…

the wife had kindly asked the bastard to keep his yap shut about our home buying nightmare.

as the daughter of superstition, she doesn't want to jinx shit.

but she married jinx incarnate.

so a bastard can't help himself.

as I sit here rockin a coffee on the f train I tell you that the search is coming to a close soon.

this will no doubt lead to our next big heart attack.

which is the buying

the moving

the packing

the unpacking

and the frikkin job keeping too.

this economy hangs like the sword of damacles which leaves the bastard glad for the hunting and fishing populace of flyover country as well as the tobacco hawking creators of velveeta which keep us employed.

at least the anticipation keeps it inneresting while it slowly kills me.

—the bastard

big dig…

now the bastard hates alot of things.

sex and the city,

most kinds of seafood,,

fair-weather friends,

your mother.

but one thing I've never developed disdain for has been the snow.

mostly because it's never pissed me off much.

a lot of that gas been built around the notion that there wasn't too many hard winters before leaving home and when I did, it was the landlord's job.

I've only had to dig the car out and that in the worst snow is no great shakes if you don't care about getting anywhere.

but I have to get the blue roller-skate out of the garage and I expect some fresh hell when I get there.

so today might be the day.

but I'll no doubt blame it on the asshole lawyer who rents the garage next to me and the snow will get a free pass.

i'm magnanimous that way.

—the bastard

it's effing saturday…

…so the bastard is on walkabout.

so my ladyfriend is back from the hinterland and here I am riding the rails with the outer state teenage ugg army.

you think these girls could at least get different colors to keep me entertained.

oh well… the idle rich folk's kids.

yawnz.

ok where was I?

right. getting the car via our lovely mass transit system.

and

my head feels like it's been kicked in

but,

at least a man has his freedom

and his honeydew list. ahhhh domestic bliss.

—the bastard

never…

…is a really frikkin long time my boy.

so the bastard would advise one to never underestimate the sea change one's commuting mood will have when one gets himself a seat.

I think this was the only thing I remember liking about the lirr

—the bastard

…on cons…

…and comics


this just in.

there's a giant gundam in manhattan.



and little goth girls attacking giant monsters


and comics about ayn rand. yeah you guessed it jerks.

the bastard went to the comic convention. my friend, the builder, invited me to hang out at the show where I saw many things.

for one, too many adults are wearing headbands from naruto for my taste. and there were many disheveled super heroes to be found.

way too many of them.

and left hand rob was there.

and the tin man

and the scarecrow.

and alot of women in thigh highs and latex.

you see

I'm used to going to gun shows and the only people in costume there are wearing camouflage anyway.

so this was something new.

—the bastard

...on walkabout

there is alot going on in the bastard's life right now.

work stuff that I may talk about later.

wedding plans.

events.

I prefer the blanket term events.

but, I have an hour to myself.

one whole hour.

no obligations except to be at the appointed place,

at the appointed time.

which is in five minutes actually.

so I decide to sit in one of bloomberg's new plazas

looking at this,

and drinking coffee.

sure beats a sharp stick in the eye.

—the bastard

this weak in anime

special smoke'em if you got 'em edition


reasons why i love watching the absurdly entertaining cobra the animation:

it's 20 minutes of a guy with a laser for an arm who can smoke cigars underwater.


and the rocket piranha (yes you heard it right...rocket piranha) smoke as well.

the theme music is as absurd as the theme to shaft.

—the bastard

...on chinese fire drills

the bastard doesn't like to complain.

but,

he hates the runaround.

case

meet

point.

we were encouraged to come in early today because something important was going to be said.

then we were told we were filling seats today because our ant overlords were in and looking around.

i don't really mind this

but,

ants didn't show.

the upside is, i get more done.

the downside is, the poor lady who trucks in from queens to watch my daughter everyday came in early for this specifically.

and it's a little unkind.

i think the bastard will get drunk for lunch. that'll show 'em 9_9

—the bastard

...on the wait

there's a storm coming.

not in the metaphorical sense.

but an actual storm.

hurricane my uncle is coming tomorrow.

gonna be a hell of a Saturday.

or not.

—the bastard

...on vacations

you know

one of these days

the bastard will put the phone down.

not report it in

not tell you what's up.

but today ain't that day.

it's too good out to not say "it's good out".

so there.

—the bastard

Sunday morning photo essay

there are just some days where it's just all good.

—the bastard

phone check...

"ring ring"

"ring ring"

"hello?!?"

"phone check."

"whu?"

"hi i was just doing a phone check."

it never mattered if the conversation really continued and sometimes maybe it would have but, every time grandpa got a new phone, he would re enter the numbers into the phone and then proceed to call said family member to make sure he entered it correctly.

he was an interesting fella.

taught me how to row. taught my cousins how to steer a boat in open water. taught most of us how to life a big goddam dock into and out of the harbor.

more often than not, the bastard got out of doing this as the dock became a reality when i was an antisocial teenager and i hid out alot.

but today's father's day and he would have been 86 by now. and he'd still be soing phone checks.

the chairman called up stuck in traffic and we talked about it a bit.

maybe get a family event together for his 10th anniversary of not being on this earth.

the family doesn't get together that much anymore.

at least not without a fuck ton of effort.

but maybe if we do, we could all wear wide brimmed hats to the event.

the man sure did love the sea.

—the bastard

up, up, and aweigh

welcome to jet blue.

we can't believe you two jackasses think that you're going to fit your big ass suitcases in the overhead compartment.

get out the aisle.

we also can't believe that the new york times channel is covering "lebowski fest".

all the news that fits our ASS!

enjoy your flight and always remember not only is drinking a bad idea in the morning but, it's prohibitively expensive.

—the bastard

sunday night photo

the bastard went back to queens the cheap way.

this inevitably turns into the time consuming way.

and today, it became more time consuming sinch i had to go through chinatown to get to the manhattan bridge instead of my usual roll to the williamsburg.

so when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. now drink your frikkin lemonade jerks.

—the bastard

...on invasions

the bastard has seen it around town lately.

on cabs

on....other cabs

and on subway signs.

there are aliens in powdered wigs.

and the want us to go. and i'm not going to stand for it

—the bastard