in the fhillz…
I had to kill a rat in my home.
with my bare hands-ish.
I awoke to find the nice lady in a start on a Sunday.
there's a rat in the bathroom.
being of sound mind… and the rat being of rather lazy nature… we closed the bathroom door and called the landlord.
he…he…he… bro…brou… brought (our landlord had a stutter) two enormous rat traps and proceeded to throw them at the rat.
this did not work.
however, never at a loss for a teachable moment…
the bastard discovered that rats can jump quite high if you throw things at them.
after this unsuccessful attempt our stuttering landlord called an exterminator and we met friends for brunch.
because what else s there to do when you have a rat running around your home but get brunch.
upon getting the word from the exterminator (we didn't find him, so he must have left but I laid out a ridiculous amount of glue traps anyway) and it was time to go anyways…
we set out back for the fhillz and we made a deal…
if I scout out the building, she'll clean up the mess.
done and dusted. but it wasn't.
the big bastard was hiding in the medicine cabinet.
the fam came up and I was throwing glue traps at the rat.
he hissed at me.
I hissed, "get the fuck outta my house" back at him and fashioned a flyswatter out of glue traps and a coat hanger.
and I swatted mightily and he was pinned to the bath tub.
I asked for something to hit him with but there was no time to really get a proper device so there was this box.
full of metal extras because the shower had been redone recently in this crapstand we lived in.
and I proceeded to punch the squirming creature pinned under the glue trap.
and I howled mightily…
like a Jove…
or a man possessed…
GET…
THE FUCK…
OUT OF…
MY HOME…
YOU FILTHY…
FUCKING…
CREATURE…
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
and then it rattled and stopped moving. it's disgusting tail went limp.
I got up and went to the sink…
the nice lady wide eyed with the savagery that just occurred.
I poured myself a glass of water which seemed to last and hour.
two hours for her.
and I slouched over the sink and said…
"I didn't sign on for this"
—the bastard
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