Monday, August 22, 2005

life out of order

just like gabriel garcia marquez i'm going to tell my life out of order. scoop has been asking for me to do more on doorgate. dub plat has been asking about more doorgate. i will get back to doorgate but like all good tales, i must tell them when it's right. and it will no doubt be out of order. chapter one will take place 20 years into the future when the neighbors will be 60 and living together still and will have 35 cats between them still shouting about keeping kids out of their yard. james earl jones will somehow tie into this. then 3 year before now, elizabeth will be watching it rain in macondo and the thug will have beaten me up and taken my 11 dollars. but today we will give you this:



on wednesday, we went upstate to shoot guns. this is the boss with a shiny new remington. the bastard likes guns. liked em before he started working in this field. they are beautiful works of design. they make loud noises too. and the bastard likes this as well. the other thing i like about doing this for a living is getting the opportunity to make every aspect of the product i design reflect my vision for the magazine. oh yeah, that and expensed lunch.

—the bastard

13 comments:

bigbromofo said...

hey ted nugent bastard

i will continue to be your conscience and the elephant of bad stories such as the texas black eye with your buddy wieser 45 cal shooting clorox bottle incident. see i can write in free form also and make partial sense in a milleresque type of way chicky.

where do you come up with some of these paragraphs.

bastard central said...

until you right something as obscene as "under the rooftops of paris", i'll hold opinion on you millerness. unless you mean arthur miller in which i say, write something as boring as "the crucible".

keep reminding the bastard of these things, they eventually make for good material. however, texas wally never owned a .45. he owned a .357 magnum, cowboy action style. the weapon was a right scoped 270 deer rifle. i fired it left handed. the bottle was a soda bottle and surprisingly, not a dr pepper bottle.

where do i get it. i think i leave my body for a minute or two, then hit spellcheck

—bas

bigbromofo said...

ahh yes the 22 rifle. i was a little fuzzy on that. if i remember our buddy weiser told me tha tit was a 45 but if you use the larger bullets it becomes a 357 (?) anyway just trying to keep you from becoming the curtis sliwa of fabrication on family history.

dub plat - bigbro mofo

bigbromofo said...

not arthur miller, dennis miller. what rooftops. i need new shingles and my attic fan installed anyway. thanks for the reminder.

bastard central said...

well it's always a pleasure to be of service

—the bastard

bastard central said...

i should scroll up and read this stuff. it was a 270 deer rifle. a 22 is a varmint gun and has no kick. the 270 had a medium game round in it and the kick gave me a scope bite over my left eye. the 357 was fired without big incident except for the fact that at 16 i couldn't keep the damn thing straight.

and you can be my loony kazoony art bell of family history?

—the bastard

bigbromofo said...

hunh? who is art bell?

bastard central said...

art bell is the overnight host on abc. he talks alot about black helicopters and the chupacabra and aliens. sliwa used to make fun of him when he and kuby had the evening drive time slot

bigbromofo said...

gotcha. as long as you got the sliwa reference to his bad ass days as the guardian angel false historian. not that a beret would lokk bad on you.

big bromofo

bastard central said...

he's not very tall. i saw him on the train once.

bigbromofo said...

was he doing justice or just styling for the crowd?

Big bro dub plat

bastard central said...

nah he was just getting off of the train. sliwa put his pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us. only after he does, he makes gold records. guys, i have a fever and the only cure is...more cowbell

bigbromofo said...

okay buck darma more cowbell just dont get hit in the head with my ass as i dance across the recording studio floor