Friday, March 10, 2006

summer sausage...

...and some are somethin' else... credited to the snow man for his quick wit on this particular occasion (i guess that's why he works with the words). so christmas came early for the staff of killing stuff monthly in the form of a gigantic box of beef jerky. 53 pounds of it to be exact. i don't know how or why but the snow man comes running throw the office with this big ass box of beef jerky. i mean we get swag in this place every now and again but, 53 pounds is alot of swag. alot of meaty, meaty swag. left hand rob and i saw this as the brilliant "this shit writes it's own material" stuff that i thought it was and he posted on it before he forgot about it and the bastard took notes. but a curious phenomina happened while he was doing it. everthing that people were saying with regard to the massive jerky box seemed funny to him. maybe it was because it was friday, or it was because the bastard is tired from not so much sleeping but here are the quotables from jerky day

"i accidentally grabbed these and they're beef nuggets, they look like little barbecued turds" —susie kansas

"well they're pretty tasty turds" —bastard

"you got ham jerky? i didn't see that" —5 dollar johnny

"i'm gonna eat this stuff until i get sick and it starts drippin' outta my mouth" —5 dollar johnny

"bastard, you post the pictures, i'll link to them" —left hand rob

"well, so much for lent"—bastard

"aw to hell with you catholics anyways"—willy dub

"it fell on the floor 10 second rule" —the intern

"is anybody going to lunch or are we gonna just eat jerky" —bastard

"you go on ahead. i just ate a whole bunch of the beef and cheese sticks and now my stomach hurts" —chicago jerkface

worst part of it that we all descended on this crap like wolves. folks just getting in there and grabbing away. it's not everyday that everyone at the magazine gets an equal opportunity shot at swag. we all don't hunt or fish here. so all of the non sportsmen can get some jerky. that is, unless you are a vegetarian but we haven't had one of those here since she left for espn the magazine a long long time ago.

—the bastard


Rob S. said...

What a jerky, jerky day we had. And man, does Chicago Jerkface look like the Ragin' Cajun.

bastard central said...

that is because he has a love that dare not speak it's name big government and jambalaya.

it was truly a meatastic day

mofo said...

Josh da Kid would have flipped over that much jerky, but all I could do was think of Eddie Murphy in "Trading Places"

bastard central said...

oh my god that was a classic moment in beef jerkydom. too bad jamie lee curtis wasn't played by a drag queen

mofo said...

I think "Darkness" should have been given a scene in there.

bastard central said...

he would hav elooked great with the word unity stamped backwards into his forehead