Sunday, July 31, 2011

…on submissions

… and I don't mean the sex pistols song

dear art director of gun magazine,

I am a freelance illustrator fluent in editorial and commercial work. My editorial clients have included U.S. News & World Report, Consumer Reports, Atlantic Monthly, The Los Angeles Times and The San Diego Union Tribune. Please take a moment to look over the attached samples of my work. Should you come across any assignments that you find compatible with my style, please contact me.

now, as a matter of course and more importantly, as a means of protecting folks from my vitriol, the bastard never answers these sort of notes from solicitors.

but my good friend 'stuff' who runs the art department for mystery science feels that one is doing both his book and the illustrator a grave disservice by NOT writing back. so in the spirit of this I decided to answer this and not send this to said illustrator.

dear illustrator,

i have looked at your sample and I realize that your style of pastels and cat illustrations more than likely never have a place in selling bullets in stores magazine as it is a business to business magazine for gun store owners and NOT. the Atlantic monthly. I would recommend that you seriously should look into the magazines you solicit as it feels to me that your style of solicitation is tantamount to the creepy guy at the singles bar who asks every girl in the bar for their phone number in the hopes of potentially getting at least one phone number in 400 solicitations. it quite frankly makes me feel less special and you know… kind of creeped out as we don't even run on a newsstand.

so going forward… not interested.

good luck.

and perhaps you should creep out less art directors.

good luck with all of the pastel hearts and stylized cats that apparently the Atlantic monthly loved oh so much. tah.

—the bastard


TW said...

Yeah, he wasn't right for you guys, his resume read like a Hannity rant against the liberal media.

bastard central said...

actually when we didn't hire her, she blamed the previous illustrator for her inability to illustrate.