Tuesday, August 28, 2007

dumb things the bastard has done in the last 72 hours

sunday sunday sunday : the bastard has developed allergies lately so it has him obsessing over them. i never had allergies until that no goo jonny airplanes kept me out for 3 or 4 days straight until 6 in the morning and i developed pneumonia. actually , the fact that i was rolling cigarettes (the tobacco variety) didn't help either. anyway, i developed pneumonia and later i developed a cat allergy. now my ladyfriend has a cat so i first assume that it's the cat's fault that i'm wheezing. but then again, i'm wheezing at home and i have a lizard. so upon some serious soul searching i have come to the conclusion thta the bastard has a mold problem. how do i deduce this?

well...

...let's see...

oh yeah, my apartment has massive water damage from flooding and while i can't necessarily see it, i'm wheezing. but why stop there. let's go on the internet at one o'clock in the morning and read up on the symptoms for asbestosis. bad idea. then try and calm yourself down by reading up on the symptoms of allergic asthma and then calm down by reading 3 volumes of warren ellis' transmetropolitan. then try that whole sleep thing again at 2 in the morning. nice and smooth. nice and smooth, my ASS!

flash forward (monday): walk in the front door of the office. walk out of the elevator on the 10th floor. realize that you moved to the 9th floor 3 weeks ago. almost made it to my old desk.

flash forward (it's today in case you weren't keeping track, jackass): so i bought these new sunglasses the other day. i was looking for a larger lens. you know, for better sleep on the subway. and while i was stuck in traffic on sunday on the williamsburg bridge (another story, it involves idiots and suvs and a really long pothole on delancy street that coincidentally the chairman had to put up with too) i realized that they made me think of stewie from that episode of the family guy in which he throws a tan party (watch my tan walk brian). anyway, while i got more sleep, i still managed to lose my sunglasses. at lunch time, i walk over to the other side of 9 and went to get my lunch and found the sunglasses on the shelf. where i left them. i have to get some sleep. or maybe i have to get jesus. yeah, i have to get jesus, he owes me money you know?

—the bastard

6 comments:

mofo said...

If you're looking Jesus, ask Michael Vick, he found him the other day.

The Mad Russian said...

Didn't Michael Vick have to put Jesus down because he couldn't carry his weight and ice John the Baptist?

bastard central said...

i found in a can yesterday. oh no wait that was prince albert.

actually mad, michael vick put down the prophet elijah because he was the runt of the litter.

Anonymous said...

jonny airplanes my ass
jonny airplanes my ass
jonny airplanes my ass
jonny airplanes my ass

Anonymous said...

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bastard central said...

well i guess jonny airplanes has been heard from