...on that holiday hoo hah

so, the bastard decided to do his christmas shopping online this year. because of the wave of mutilation i've been going through lately, it seemed like the logical progression. shop online, less time in stores, less time in traffic, less frustrated, more time for my social life.

but, every once in a while, we hit a speed bump. this speed bump is called federal express. they are one of the nation's largest shipping companies and they won't deliver unless there is a body to sign the invoice. so, the bastard had to go up to one of their more obscure trafficking facilities to pick up the mofo's gift. that is correct mofo. your gift. and left me tell you, if i could tell you what i bought the mofo for christmas (don't want to spoil the surprise and all that) you would find the quest absurd. you see the woodside facility is somewhere at the crossroads of hell where the grand central parkway, the brooklyn-queens expressway and laguardia airport. and it's at the end of long driveway that has a sign that says, "this isn't a fed ex facility you dick, make the next right and end up in astoria shiteyes!!!!!!".

so needless to say, it hasn't been a good morning. however it got me to thinking about a show i watch called ugly betty. yes, the bastard watches ugly betty. go to hell. it's about this girl from queens who isn't conventionally good looking who works in the magazine business. yes i watch it because the main character is from queens. no, i do not watch the king of queens. why? because while i find kevin james to be extremely funny, and i find jerry stiller to be an extraordinary comedic foil, i find the idea of sit coms about fat guys with extremely dedicated hot looking wives totally absurd and because i am never home either. however "sweat the small stuff" is brilliant standup and you should all watch it. also jerry is great in zoolander as ben stiller's manager. but i digress, in ugly betty, the show enforces two of my favorite bullshit stereotypes about new york city. first, it puts for the stereotype that everyone who who is pretty in new york city comes to new york from other part of the country that they hate coming from which i find absurdly funny mostly because i've met one or two people who are from "brooklyn" but, sound like they're from Tennessee. and i don't have anything against Tennessee but, i can tell that you're not from brooklyn, so stop it. the second stereotype which i don't find so absurd anymore is the stereotype that queens is a third world country that is mostly made of concrete wilderness that is easy to get lost in. i will never get those two hours back again...ever. maybe it isn't a stereotype. or maybe i just don't know my way around astoria. or maybe i don't know my way around woodside. or both. or maybe i just don't know how to ask for directions in russian. go fig. or go to hell.

—the bastard