…on vacations

you ever get the feeling that you should have stayed in bed?

your home state?

yeah. me too.

you see, the baby has a stomach virus.

and we made the decision that riding said virus out would be better in a two bedroom house in a sprawling development in west palm beach would be a better plan than flushing three airplane tickets down the toilet and enjoy said virus in our not so sprawling 350 square foot studio apartment.

not the best set of options but, I stick by my decision.

it's sunny and the baby is sleeping and for five minutes, a bastard can get some peace and quiet.

—the bastard

i ran across town for this?

so as a last act of kindness/convenience, the bastard asked his brother to leave the car in queens village before leaving for the desert and all points west of this place.

however, I really haven't been on the long island railroad since 2006.

so I forgot what a goddam chore this could be.

you have to be there at a certain time to get yer ride.

wade through an ocean of assholes.

buy a ticket.

wade through an ocean of assholes

get on a crowded train full of assholes.

did I mention having to wade through them as well just so I can have my three foot radius of space to type about how much they are assholes?

all this so I can save time while cramming in a client meeting AND grocery shopping.

good times.

no

great times.

—the bastard

the keys to the kingdom

the bastard is out late tonight.

I had a delightful meal at the elder's hizzle and I also had to make a stop on the planet of brooklyn to accept a generous gift from the chairman.

this makes for a late ride home for a bastard and his wife was worried.

"what if some thing happens on the subway on the way home?"

"nothing'll happen"

"how do you know this?"

"simple, this isn't the 1970's, the south Bronx, or is it the south Bronx in the 1970's"

I relay this tale to the chairman and his retort is, "you just take a page from your brother (re: mofo). you play it crazy.

and that's the secret kids.

you feel the forces of evil closing in on you on the F train?

throw your hot beverage across the car and scream "OH MY Fucking SATan! there's cobras in my coffee!!!!"

"COBRAS!?!?!"

are you on a platform at 3 am with desperate characters? start doing the robot.

my favorite was the time I was in a McDonalds in new Hyde park and a kid who had been staring at his hamburger for 10 minutes screamed out that just remembered he was a vegetarian and he threw his food across the restaurant as he ran out.

well that kid may not have been playing but I suspect that he was.

always play it crazy and the most ne'er do well of the ne'er do wells will pass you by for the scared kid with the Vulcan science academy sweatshirt everytime.

—the bastard

the bastard thinks that today's the day...

...that manhattan will sink into the sea.

i better learn to swim.

—the bastard