doing a solid

so there's this sales monkey that has been put across from left hand rob at the beginning of this month.

and he's been pissing rob off.

because he speaks in sales-isms.

and the only time he shuts the fuck up is only to answer another phone call.

and he looks like a creepy used car salesman.

and he's annoying.

so, since i am kind of hanging out in the office this evening.

and i wanted a break from his incessant "hey guy, how's it going", "working hard or hardly working", "hey buddy, is that the secrete sauce?" schtick, i did what any bastard would do for a break.

i put on some music.

some loud music.

mostly parliament.

he lost it during aqua boogie.

he came in and asked me if i could turn it down. he was on a sales call and the guy thought he was in a phone booth.

i agreed and turned it down...a little.

the point is this, if you'd shut the fuck up for five minutes a day,

every day,

this exercise would be avoidable.

yeah yeah yeah, i know that karma is a boomerang and one day, there is going to be some dick who is annoyed enough at me to do a little counterbalance but the bastard can't resist fucking with salesmen. even though he's only across from lobster for 4 more, no wait, 3 more days.

oh well.

—the bastard

...on the short list

on my way home this evening, i get a call from the chairman.

"there are fire trucks down by your apartment"

"is my place on fire?"

"i don't think so. looks like it's by tutto bene."

"ok i'll take the back way in. see you in a bit"

so the bastard does the nice neighborly thing and he calls the neighbors. neither of the girls answers him.

the chairman calls back and confirms that the bastard's home isn't on fire. when i get home, the trucks are still there and so is an ambulance. i go upstairs to drop off some laundry. and then it hits me.

what if the firemen aren't done?

what if it spreads?

i better take some stuff with me.

so here's the bastard's short list. now taken into consideration that in my car already, i have my ipod, my shopping bags from trader joes, and my phone is on me. so given all that i grabbed just:

my laptop

the portfolio which i prefer to refer to as "the book"

my laundry to switch

and my sidi motorcycle boots. they aren't the most optimum foot wear but, they are my most expensive.

then i walked out. knowing that if the place burned to the ground, the bastard could function. on the way out, i drop off laundry and some fat bitch (and i don't throw that kind of insult around lightly, i don't want to get scoop angry with me) opens the door to the laundromat, looks right at me, walks into the laundromat, and lets the door close on me. i hold out my palm so that the door makes a resounding slap. she barely resists the urge to turn and see what the sound is because she knows what it is. followed by the bastard saying,"thanks jerk", to which she resists again the urge to turn and respond.

but i am tired

and i have no resistance.

so as i get to the counter, i pass her, and bang the bag into her fat carcass. granted, it's a bag of clothes but the bastard will not be denied. after this i get in the car and an old man from the block gives me the stink eye. he's been giving me grief for a while (long story, i'll tell it later) and as i pull out of my parking spot with my short list of stuff, we lock eyes and i think of my other list.

the list of people that are going to fucking GET IT when i leave this block. and they will fucking get it good.

—the bastard

...on stove pipes

...or on big pimpin' 2

you know,

there are certain things in a shit commute that makes it all worth the while. mostly this involves tripping old ladies on the way out of the subway train. sometimes this might involve making an inappropriate joke about setting homeless people on fire but, since news of this horrible act has made it all the way to australia (just click the damn link stupid, otherwise the comment makes no sense. come on! DO IT!), i'm going to go in another direction with this.

anyway, before the bastard gets completely off message, the thing that makes it worth the while is seeing something different.

i saw this guy a good hundred feet in front of me and i had to catch up. he had a big cane. a gigantic gold shield for a knuckle ring. and he rocked the trench coat hahd. it was majestic. but the best part, and the only part of his outfit that the bastard will be documenting will be his magnificent...

furry...

top hat! look at it, it's fantastic. totally made the whole crunch to get upstairs because only one escalator is working and it's too goddam humid out for the bastard to want to climb stairs. you know the feeling don't you? of course you don't. go to hell.

i suspect that his pimp hand is strong

—the bastard